I am the Ghandi of diet resistance

Yo. Howdy Peeps.

Dieting Resistance Strategy No.1:

Sleep deprivation techniques are a highy effective means of communicating the need for food. Mini-humans do this by crying in the middle of the night. I do this by scratching at the door, meowing, walking my bootylicious self over my human, peeking through the curtains and letting the light in, and gently placing my cold wet nose against my human's face. I choose to do this at any time between the hours of 0400 - 0600 hours. Closer to 0600 hours is usually most effective as the human usually caves-in and gets up to placate my urgent nutritional fervour.

Dieting Resistance Strategy No. 2:

Allay touch and affection more than usual. Tease the human by idling towards her and then moving quickly past, leaving the tail limp so she gets no sat-tis-fact-shion from my lovely furriness. Hide behind the couch. Peep out looking especially cute.

Repeat Process 4 to 5 times for greatest effect.

I have been rather hyperactive the last few days. Decided some hooliganism was needed as things have been much too serious lately with the human sitting infront of the machine that flashes light in a screen infront of her. She uses her fingers to make a sound like rain on the roof. I tried to do the same thing once, but was told politely that 'key boards', cats, and thesis drafts don't mix. I don't understand why because a keyboard has a mouse. Mmmm. Food group.

Catch.

Human life begins on the far side of despair

Yo. S'up peeps. Thanks J-P for that inspiring quote. I'm feeling all frenchie-french au jourd'hui as I'm in the middle of reading a thriller by Colette.

The new fandangled diet involves plotting my progress on a chart. Next weigh in is in 2 weeks time. I've decided to research this issue so I can manipulate my human as much as possible. Zipped through 'fat is a feminist issue' and realised that maybe I like to wear my podge as a protective layer against intimacy. Afterall, being this hefty scares most humans away from the thought of trying to pick me up and cuddle me. I'm all for 'personal space' (must be a cultural thing). My human is the only one who hasn't been deterred, so I have to resort to squirming, hissing, and if called for, scratching, in order to release myself. So, why can't humans work out that felines such as myself aren't scared of intimacy - we just think it stinks of dog behaviour. Pish. I gotta get on with my reading before the human returns ..."She fled methodically and jumped carefully, keeping her eyes fixed on her adversary and condescending neither to fury nor to supplication. The most violent emotion of all, the terror of dying, soaked the sensitive soles of her paws with sweat so that they left flower-like prints on the stucco balcony"... Catch.

Diet Hell

Yo. S'up peeps. Yeah, the diet hell has commenced. Last week my human loaded me into the transportation device and we ended up at some stinky joint full of sick dogs. I think they call it the V.E.T. because it stands for Voracious Embalming Techniques, although I may stand to be corrected. Anyhoo, so they weighed me and all. Like. Sooooo embarrassment. I had to stand up there like one of those fatties on the biggest loser weigh ins. When the nursebot announced my weigh in at 6.3 kilos I was a little dismayed. I decided to play the game, and look slightly emotional. I thought I could go the tack of blaming it on my emtionally f**ked childhood, but decided it was better to go with *blame* techniques. So the diet has begun. I'll get back to you on all the details schmetails some other day, *Yawn* Gotta get back to those zzzzs. Catch.